20 Tips for Helping Kids with ADHD Succeed in School by Dr. Hallowell

• “Most teachers and adults could benefit from pretending that all kids in their class have ADHD – what is good for kids with ADHD is good for all kids.” – Dr. Hallowell

• There is no substitute for parent understanding the child’s mind and conveying that over and over again to teachers! A child needs an advocate after a diagnosis of ADHD and too often testing results get “filed away”.
• Become a partner with your child’s teacher. Don’t go in with a set of things you “want” from the teacher. Go in with the goal of creating a relationship that will support your child. Consider baking brownies or helping out in class. Treat your child’s teacher as the professional she is.
• Creativity is impulsivity gone right. Encourage it in your child and use it yourself.
• Most kids with ADHD don’t do things the “normal way”. Don’t feel bad about this, and don’t say or do things that will make your child feel badly about his or her unique approach. Also, work with teachers to get rid of the shame in approaching problems and situations in a  non-standard fashion.
• Getting rid of shame and fear are key!! The greatest learning disorder of all is fear. All kids, and this includes kids with ADHD, need to feel emotionally safe in the classroom and at home. Talk with your child about his or her classroom and social experiences to make sure this is happening. Remember Dr. Hallowell’s own experience learning to read with dyslexia and how much having Mrs. Eldredge’s arm around him encourage him to try.
• Set your child up to make progress on something that matters to him. This builds confidence and motivation. (For more on building confidence, see the book “The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness” by Dr. Hallowell.
• With all children, but particularly with kids with ADHD, simple, consistent rules are the best.  This is true of the classroom and at home. For example, always treat others with respect is a simple rule that can be applied to many situations.
• Use all modalities/multi sensory training: Visual, auditory, kinesthetic.
• Create a predictable schedule at school and at home. Kids thrive in situations that have enough predictability that they don’t need to guess about what is coming next (this does not mean “boring” though!) An important part of that schedule is getting enough sleep. Get your kids into bed early, if at all possible.
• Give warnings about upcoming transitions from one activity to another. For example, “Now we are going to write our practice sentences, then we are going to move into science.”
• Don’t be stingy with accommodations. One example is extended time on tests. The idea of the test is generally to see if a child has mastered certain material. Does the amount of time that is needed on the test make a difference? Why not give all kids untimed tests?
• It is easier to take on a big task if it is broken down into small steps.
• Monitor progress often and give feedback often.
• All kids need escape valves. Make sure to provide time to get up from desk, walk around, have recess, bring some physical activity into what they are doing.
• Make sure to give positive feedback when it is deserved. Don’t fake it, though. Kids know whether or not you are just trying to puff them up.
• Teach outlining and memory tricks
• Make a game out of learning.
• Consider talking with your teacher about having a home to school notebook for quick comments on daily basis and easy communications.
• Family dinner is one of the highest predictors of high SAT scores. Take the time to have family dinner and connect with each other.
• Driving in a car is another great way to connect with your kids. Spending time, anywhere, is important. Check in regularly with your kids.

Meet Dr. Hallowell

Are you looking for practical, how-to solutions to life’s personal challenges? Best selling New York Times author and world-renowned ADHD expert, Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell offers groundbreaking advice on how to:

• Survive in an ultra-competitive, ultra fast, attention deficit society while remaining sane
• Raise happy children
• Manage worry
• Forgive
• Bring the best out of your employees
• Get the most out of life with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
• 
  

A graduate of Harvard College and Tulane School of Medicine, Dr. Hallowell is a child and adult psychiatrist and the founder of The Hallowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health in Boston MetroWest, New York City, San Francisco and Seattle. He was a member of the faculty of the Harvard Medical School from 1983 to 2004 until he retired to devote his full professional attention to his clinical practice, lectures, and the writing of books.

Dr. Hallowell is a highly recognized speaker around the world. He has presented to thousands on topics such as ADD,strategies on handling your fast-pace life, the Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, how to help your employees Shine, ADHD and Relationships and other pertinent family and health issues. He has been prominently featured in the media, including 20/20, Oprah, Dr. Oz, CNN, PBS and NPR as well as 60 Minutes, The Today Show, Dateline, Good Morning America, US News and World Report, Newsweek, the Harvard Business Review, Washington Post, New York Times and other popular publications.

From corporate audiences to parent-teacher workshops and national television shows, people who listen to Dr. Hallowell come away stimulated, inspired and empowered to change their lives. He is a charismatic speaker, combining the knowledge of a Harvard instructor with his incredible understanding of ADHD, human nature and the struggles we face in this crazy/busy world.

Dr. Hallowell is considered to be one of the foremost experts on the topic of ADHD. He is the co-author, with Dr. John Ratey, of Driven to Distraction, and Answers to Distraction, which have sold more than a million copies. In 2005, Drs. Hallowell and Ratey released their much-awaited third book on ADHD, Delivered from Distraction. “Delivered” provides updated information on the treatment of ADHD and more on adult ADHD.

Dr. Hallowell’s most recent book, Driven to Distraction at Work: How to Focus and Be More Productive was published 2015. In Driven to Distraction at Work, Dr. Hallowell identified the underlying reasons why people lose their ability to focus at work. He explains why commonly offered solutions like “learn to manage your time better” or “make a to-do list” don’t work because they ignore he deeper issues that are the true cases of mental distraction.

He is also the host of “Distraction” a weekly podcast series created to explore how we are driven to distraction and offers coping strategies to turn modern problems into new-found strengths.

Learn more at drhallowell.com, sign up for his free monthly e-newsletter and follow him on Facebook, Twitter, linkedIN, Pinterest and Youtube.

In Dr. Hallowell’s book SHINE:  Using Brain Science to Get the Best from Your People he draws on brain science, performance research, and his own experience helping people maximize their potential to present a proven process for getting the best from your people. He introduces the 5 steps in the Cycle of Excellence: Select, Connect, Play, Grapple and Grow, and Shine.  He shows how each step is critical in its own right and translates into actions a manager or worker can do and do now to propel their people to excellence.

In Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Interruption, Dr. Hallowell teams up with his wife, Sue George Hallowell, a couples’ therapist, to explain the subtle but dangerous toll today’s overstretched, under nurtured lifestyle takes on our most intimate relationship. The good news is that there are straightforward and effective ways to maneuver your marriage out of the destructive roadblocks created by the avalanche of busy living.

Dr. Edward Hallowell & Sue Hallowell: Married to Distraction on The Today Show – NBC

Dr. Oz intereview –  Dr. Hallowell on “The Medical Condition You Didn’t Know was Ruining Your Marriage.”  Click here to watch Dr. Hallowell discuss Marriage and ADHD.

Dr. Hallowell’s book with Dr. Peter Jensen, SUPERPARENTING FOR ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child, was published in December, 2008. With decades of experience working with ADD children, Dr. Hallowell understands how easily the gifts of this condition are lost on a child amid negative comments from doctors, teachers, and even loving but frustrated parents. He has long argued that ADD is too often misunderstood, mistreated, and mislabeled as a “disability.”

Dr. Hallowell observes that people who do not have ADHD still often show many of its symptoms due to lives that are so busy that they overload their brains. He explores this phenomenon in his book, CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! In this book, Dr. Hallowell shows how the hectic pace of modern life has led our society to suffer from broader, culturally induced ADD. His insight into how to unsnarl frenzied lives and take charge of how we really want to be living provides true inspiration to us all.

In addition to his fame in the world of ADHD and pseudo-ADHD, Dr. Hallowell is also an expert in parenting, how to manage anxiety, and the importance of connection and forgiveness.

Dr. Hallowell lives in the Boston area with his wife, Sue, a social worker, and their three children.

Teaching Kids to Cook—and Care A unique volunteer experience helps kids make a difference

What do you get when you mix kids of all ages with a celebrity chef and give them a mission to cook for people in need? A unique and eye-opening volunteer experience for the whole family.

To my considerable delight, eight-year-old Alister is making dessert. Yes, my youngest son is peeling pears—brow slightly furrowed, tongue poking out of his lips in concentration. Once peeled and cored, the pears will be poached and served with a citrus-infused panna cotta. Pretty fancy for a kid in Grade 3, right?

Cooking with kids

Nearby, Alister’s 12-year-old brother, Cameron, is chopping onions. His eyes are stinging, but with Chef Carl Heinrich nearby, Top Chef Canada winner and co-owner of the popular restaurant Richmond Station—and Bolognese sauce for 50 to prepare—there’s no way he’s going to throw in the towel. Or the chef’s knife.

The boys and I are at the Massey Centre in East York with Kids Cook to Care (KCTC), a unique nonprofit that gives child volunteers a chance to cook for people in high-need communities, acquiring practical kitchen skills with some knowledge of different ethnic cuisines mixed in. Tonight they’re working alongside eight other kids ages six to 16 to make an Italian meal for the young expectant and new moms who live at the centre.

The birth of a unique program

KCTC was founded in 2009 by Toronto moms Jill Lewis and Julie Levin. “There was a lack of authentic volunteer activities for kids—little kids—to do in Toronto. So I thought, why not put them in a kitchen, hook them up with a celebrity chef, and let magic happen?”

“We used to live in New York, and when we were there we volunteered at a shelter on the upper west side,” says Lewis. “When we moved here, I promised the kids we would cook and care in Toronto, but no one would let us into their homeless shelters or soup kitchens. It was adult-only or ages 10 and up. So with a girlfriend we decided, ‘Let’s do something, and see if we can make a difference.’”

The importance of volunteering

When Lewis approached me about KCTC, I jumped at the opportunity to participate with my two sons. As with so many well-meaning but busy families, I’d wanted for some time to find a hands-on volunteer opportunity that would allow them to make a difference while getting face-to-face with those who have less. But I never managed to research how to make that happen. Our contributions to good causes had become mostly about making monetary donations to charities, something that can be pretty invisible to kids.

Even better, the opportunity totally fit with my nature, which is to demonstrate affection and concern for others through food. Like the legions of casserole-bearing women before me, I’m all about the food love—in times of crisis (such as sickness or grief) or in times of joy (such as the arrival of a new baby). And in between, there’s the everyday business of sustaining my family with—at least on good weeks—wholesome food.

Heinrich says KCTC holds a lot of meaning for him. “I very much relate to the program, to the kids cooking and especially to the Massey centre. My mother had me when she was 19 years old and I was her second kid. We went through probably more difficult times than most growing up.” His education as a cook began when he was in his early teens and his mom, then in her late twenties, was working full-time and juggling her duties as a single mother of three.

“My oldest sister and I started cooking one meal a week. That’s why I choose this meal because the sauce was one of my first meals cooking for my family. I’d come home from school, open the cans, brown the beef, have a sauce ready, boil some water, and my mom would come home and tell me when the noodles were done. That started, not necessarily the career, but the passion for food. We never ate out at restaurants and we never had expensive ingredients. It was ground beef and frozen chicken breasts, but we ate well on a budget.”

Capable and confident kids

Just as the leftovers from Heinrich’s first batches of spaghetti sauce would be turned into lasagna and then chili later in the week when he was growing up, the kids at KCTC chop enough onions and mushrooms, and—with a little help from some moms who handled stirring over the hot industrial stoves—make enough sauce to leave a giant pot of leftovers for the young women.

Next, the little hands roll balls of pasta dough into long snakes, older kids slice them into pieces, and everyone’s thumbs are put to use shaping the pasta. The kids then fly into action when Heinrich says the meal cannot be served until the kitchen is clean. The other moms and I look at each other. If only we could command such efficiency!

The kids then form an assembly line to plate the pasta, sauce, salad, and garlic bread, and the youngest volunteer—six-year-old Grace—proudly helps ferry the plates from the counter to the residents, many of whom are cradling babies in their arms.

To get to the Massey Centre on time that day, I’d pulled the kids out of school an hour early, a decision that was easy to make given the richness of the experience. When all the guests were served, the kids joined the residents at the tables with the plates of pasta they’d been so eager to taste while working in the kitchen. My boys sat next to a young woman who didn’t yet have a babe in arms. “Stay in school, kids. And don’t cut class either. It’s a bad path to go down.”

There was never any doubt, really, but I couldn’t help feeling that this one moment alone made it well worth having the kids miss last period of school that day.

WRITTEN BY Brandie Weikle  @bweikle  Thenewfamily.com

Brandie Weikle is a parenting editor, writer, and founder of The New Family blog.

3 Secrets of Good ADHD Money Management

ADHD money management is a paradox. The first thing financial experts say is never let anyone else have control of your money. The next thing they say is that you need to follow a strict budget, avoid impulsive spending and save for the future.

As an adult with ADHD, you know that is a recipe for disaster. After all, they are asking you to:

• pay attention to the details of a budget,
• consistently micro-manage your finances to get out of debt,
• eliminate impulsivity in your spending,
• planfor the future,
• organize all your bills and receipts,
• and so on…

It flies in the face of the very challenges ADHD adults face. Just think about how most ADHD adults see money management.

Typical ADHD Money Management

Budgets are so boring! Most people don’t use them, let alone ADHD-ers. Getting out of debt is the slow drip of water torture, unless you’re planning on winning the lottery! (Not an effective plan, by the way.) Eliminating impulsivity in something that’s as much fun as spending money? Forget it! Oh, and plan for the future? When there is only “now” and “not now,” you’re not going to put money you could spend NOW for sometime that is NOT NOW! Sound familiar?

Harv Ecker, the well-known author of “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind,” and a popular speaker on the subject of personal finances tells people that if you count on getting rich enough to have someone else take care of your money, you won’t make it. He explains that you won’t get rich if you don’t learn to manage your money, and you won’t stay rich if you let someone else take control of your money.

For adults with ADHD money management is so difficult that many (I’d even guess most) ADHDers never learn how to do it effectively. Studies show that on average ADHDers earn $10,000 less per year than non-ADHD-ers, and if you have trouble earning it, you’ll also having trouble keeping it. It doesn’t have to be that way though.

There are many ADHD-ers at the top of their game who excel in their careers, earning far above the average person with a comparable background. They’ve learned to work with their strengths and compensate for their weaknesses. Your challenge is to become one of them, and it is possible, but it won’t happen by itself.

Learning ADHD Money Management

Where can you learn ADHD strategies for money management? Personal financial management is rarely taught in schools, so unless you’ve sought out extra education, you’re following the only financial model you’ve seen. You manage your money just like your parents. If your parents are excellent financial managers, if they are wealthy and are living the life style you dream of living in the future, good for you. However, if your parents aren’t living the life you want, it’s time to change your approach.

You can learn personal money management through books, seminars and classes. Unfortunately, even when they teach personal money management, nothing is said about ADHD money management, and without specific ADHD strategies, you might never get out of debt let alone build your savings. In traditional approaches, the first step to getting a handle on your finances is to “prepare a budget,” and as you know, those words will make almost any ADHD adult shudder in fear.

Keys to ADHD Money Management

While you can’t learn all about ADHD money management in one article, to get your financial affairs in order, apply these three ADHD strategies. The three keys to ADHD money management are:

1. Pay yourself first. You must save for the future. At some point, your income may be interrupted. You may need or want to stop working, and if you have no source of income, you’ll need to survive on what you’ve saved for a rainy day. Your first priority must be to save up for that umbrella! If anyone counsels you to pay all your bills and put the rest into savings, run away! You already know there’s never any left to go into savings.
2. Make everything automatic. While you don’t want to delegate responsibility for your personal finances, you can make the decisions about your ADHD money management strategies and then set up systems to operate according to your wishes. When you drive a car, you decide to speed up and step on the gas. The car responds to your bidding, but it doesn’t demand that you get out and push it yourself. When you automate your payments, with Internet banking and other systems, you set the strategy so you’re not giving up control, but the system compensates for your ADHD challenges. You’ll save on late fees and interest charges by never forgetting a payment, and you’ll protect your credit rating too.
3. Use what’s left over for whatever you want. If you’re saving for the future and paying all your bills, any money that’s left is yours to play with! It’s now safe to be impulsive if you want. Even if you spend every penny left over, your financial success strategy is still executing perfectly. You can spend it all, or save for a big purchase like a dream vacation.

There are also excellent ADHD strategies you can put in place for special money management issues such as getting out of debt or buying a home. If money management is presenting a special challenge for you, you may want to consider ADHD coaching to ensure you’re working with someone who can help you set up systems that will meet your special ADHD needs. ADHD Money Management programs become available from time to time as teleclass format or can be combined with one-on-one coaching.

Life’s Better with ADHD Money Management

While traditional approaches to managing personal finances may give you a headache, once you get an ADHD money management strategy established and the systems set up to make sure it’s executed as planned, things get really interesting. You see, once you stop concentrating on mundane tasks like paying bills, you can turn your attention to earning money. ADHD-ers actually have a good chance of outperforming the general population in terms of personal prosperity. Once you focus your energies on getting the most out of your strengths. Typically, an ADHD-er who chooses a career that plays to his or her strengths will excel far beyond the average person.

If you’d like to receive more details about ADHD money management and how you can improve your life by putting the right ADHD strategies into play, than can fit in this article, just complete this simple form. You’ll receive your first email immediately and you can get started on improving your financial future today.

Linda Walker, PCC, B. Admin., is a certified ADHD Coach who helps adults with ADHD overcome the special challenges of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) they encounter at home and in the workplace. She is the creator of The Maximum Productivity Makeover for Creative Geniuses, a training program for adults with ADHD and the author of With Time to Spare.

Autism. Meltdowns. Predisposing Factors.

Published on Dec 1, 2014

Six factors that can make meltdowns more likely to occur. Which one's effect your child with autism or adhd? What can you do about them?

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ADD Attention Deficit Disorder Understanding ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

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ADD Attention Deficit Disorder Understanding ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
ADD Attention Deficit Disorder Understanding ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

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Autism And ADHD Linked dailyRx dailyRx

Published on Nov 18, 2016

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Researchers say there are strong findings that suggest Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) might be connected.

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The effects of magnesium physiological supplementation on hyperactivity in children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Positive response to magnesium oral loading test.

• Department of Family Medicine, Pomeranian Medical Academy, Szczecin, Poland.

Abstract

Children with ADHD are 'a group at risk' as far as their further emotional and social development and educational possibilities are concerned, and the consequences of the lack of an appropriate therapy appears to be serious. Some of these children do not respond to prevailing therapy methods. It is reported that dietetic factors can play a significant role in the etiology of ADHD syndrome, and magnesium deficiency can help in revealing hyperactivity in children. The aim of our work was to assess the influence of magnesium supplementation on hyperactivity in patients with ADHD. The examination comprised 50 hyperactive children, aged 7-12 years, who fulfilled DSM IV criteria for ADHD syndrome, with recognized deficiency of magnesium in the blood (blood serum and red blood cells) and in hair using atomic absorption spectroscopy. In the period of 6 months those examined regularly took magnesium preparations in a dose of about 200 mg/day. 30 of those examined with ADHD showed coexisting disorders specific to developmental age, and 20 of them showed disruptive behaviour. The control group consisted of 25 children with ADHD and magnesium deficiency, who were treated in a standard way, without magnesium preparations. 15 members of this group showed coexisting disorders specific for developmental age, and 10 members showed disruptive behaviour. Hyperactivity was assessed with the aid of psychometric scales: the Conners Rating Scale for Parents and Teachers, Wender's Scale of Behavior and the Quotient of Development to Freedom from Distractibility. In the group of children given 6 months of magnesium supplementation, independently of other mental disorders coexisting with hyperactivity, an increase in magnesium contents in hair and a significant decrease of hyperactivity of those examined has been achieved, compared to their clinical state before supplementation and compared to the control group which had not been treated with magnesium.

PMID:

 

9368236

[PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9368236

What's so important again?

A Face of ADHD

Published on Jun 14, 2013

Anna Davide is a freshman at Assets High School and she is proudly half Filipino. She has boundless energy and a learning style that is unique and imaginative and is widely discussed and diagnosed in our education system today. Anna shares an insider's view of ADHD.

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ADHD Only 31%

I've got PMS, OCD and ADHD.

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Can Marijuana Help With ADD and ADHD?

Published on Oct 10, 2016

Can cannabis, in the right dose, slow the brain down enough to assist with focus and concentration?

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5 Strategies to Mitigate ADHD’s Effect on Family

Recognize the ADHD Effect on Family

So often, parents of a child with ADHD are consumed by their child’s disability and special needs, and forget about themselves and the rest of the family. It’s a crucial mistake that can cost you and your loved ones dearly, and affect your child with ADHD as well. ADHD affects the entire family, and that must be acknowledged and treated as well.
In our home, we have myself, my husband, Mr. T (who is also my children’s father), my daughter (14), and Ricochet, my son with ADHD (11). Ricochet’s ADHD (and other special needs) affects all of us profoundly, but in different ways.

For me, Ricochet’s ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Learning Disabilities are emotionally and physically taxing. I have fibromyalgia, and stress exacerbates my symptoms and pain. As well, I am often in a state of emotional turmoil, working so diligently to help my son and feeling his pain as only a mother can. I try to take time for myself, but don’t do it as often as I should. Sometimes, I steal extra moments in the bathroom. Sometimes, I go for a walk. Sometimes, I visit the local bakery for sweet comfort. Sometimes, I get a pedicure. I always vegetate in front of the TV each night after the kids are in bed (whether the dishes are done and the house is clean, or not) — this is my time to stop thinking and to unwind. And I always have a stash of sugar-free chocolate in my possession.

The detriment of Ricochet’s ADHD on Mr. T is seen in our marriage. We often don’t see eye-to-eye on addressing behaviors and discipline, and that fuels a lot of arguments between Mr. T and I. I suspect it affects him in other ways too, but he’s not open about it.

My daughter, Warrior Girl, is really the greatest casualty of ADHD in our family. Her brother’s ADHD behaviors cause her significant anxiety. It has actually reached a level where a meltdown from Ricochet will cause her to have a meltdown of her own, usually in the form of a panic attack. She’s so afraid of public meltdowns that she tries to get out of going anywhere with her brother. It’s so tough to watch her unravel. Unfortunately, we just can’t insulate her from ADHD.

Then, of course, there’s my sweet boy, Ricochet. Obviously, ADHD affects his life in consistent and profound ways. He can never get away from it, not even for a moment, because it’s part of his physiology. It goes where he goes, relentlessly. ADHD can be “tamed” though, and we are working on that a little every day.

Take Action

So what can we do to mitigate ADHD’s affect on our families? That’s a tough question, and there is no simply answer. In fact, the answer will be different for each family. And the answer isn’t really an answer in the true sense at all — it’s more like little doses of relief and improvement. Here are some ideas to try with your family:

• Make sure each family member gets some uninterrupted alone time. Hide out in your bedroom and demand to not be disturbed. Take a walk alone. Go for a scenic drive alone. Have your spouse/partner (or a friend or extended family member, if you’re a single parent) take the kids out of the house for a few hours. There are many ways to accomplish this, the trick is to not make excuses to not do it. (I also attend the Happy Mama Conference & Retreat every year.)
• Have the entire family participate in therapy. Even if your neurotypical child doesn’t react as significantly to their sibling’s ADHD behaviors as my daughter does, ADHD is affecting them. Counseling for each family member will be beneficial to learn both strategies to deal with their family member’s ADHD and how to cope with the disruption ADHD brings to your home.
• Plan family activities where your child with ADHD can be successful. Building family togetherness is just as important as alone time for each individual. Success for the ADHD child will not only boost their self-esteem, but it will also promote a positive association for family members who witness it. It’s important that everyone in the family recognize that there can be good times despite ADHD as well. Team Building is important in the corporate world, and it’s important in your family.
• Pay special attention to siblings. My daughter’s favorite thing to do right now is go somewhere alone with me. She requests it at least once every week. She needs time when there’s no potential for ADHD to muck up our plans or escalate her anxiety. We do different things together, like go to the bookstore, see a movie, get a sweet treat, hit the mall, or enjoy a pedicure. What you do together isn’t important — showing your child the same intensity of interest you show their sibling is.
• Meet with others with ADHD in their family for support. If you have someone to talk with about having a child with ADHD in your family, you are less likely to need to focus on it so much with other family members. Attend a formal support group meeting, or just grab coffee with others who share a similar parenting experience. Those people are there to talk about ADHD; your family has a greater purpose.

ADHD can overwhelm you. It’s the constant elephant in the room. It’s crucial to not let it have the control in your family.

What do you do to mitigate the affect ADHD has on your family members?

Article Source

Author: Penny Williams

Penny Williams is the award-winning author of three books on parenting kids with ADHD, Boy Without Instructions, What to Expect When Parenting Children with ADHD, and The Insider’s Guide to ADHD. She is a frequent contributor on parenting a child with ADHD for ADDitude Magazine, Healthline, and other parenting and special needs publications.

ADHD and acting impulsively

By Donna Krutka, MD

Dr. Krutka is a board-certified pediatrician who works in private practice in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Her practice includes all ages of patients from newborns to young adults. Her areas of interest include attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, adolescent gynecology and sports medicine. She attended the University of Missouri Medical School and did her residency at UCLA Harbor General Hospital in Torrance, California.    Article Source

Acting impulsively ironically is one of the most consistent problems a person with ADHD has to deal with.  In children, this trait can be exhibited by such acts as running carelessly out into the street, climbing on ledges, high walls or rails without thinking about consequences (such as falling, being hit by a car etc).  It can also be exhibited by mindlessly talking or blurting out silly statements that at the time may be rude or irrelevant. Teenagers who have ADHD are known to drive recklessly and often get into accidents because of taking chances that proved to be unsafe.

In adulthood, impulsivity may manifest itself in different ways.  One of them might be by being a shopaholic.  In that scenario the person might not be able to resist buying something.  Sometimes, two or three items are bought because being impulsive mean you like them all without being able to discriminate between cost and need.

Another way being impulsive can manifest in adults with ADHD is the inability to say no to alcoholic beverages or recreational drugs.  The” turn off” valve in the brain somehow gets mixed in with the impulsiveness and in the process the ability to resist more drinks or drugs falls by the wayside.

Not everyone with ADHD exhibits these traits but if you find that you struggle with some of these characteristics it’s important to have some insight into why this might be happening.  The impulsivity that is part of the ADHD syndrome may make a person so vulnerable to not being able to say “no.”

That isn’t fair is it?  No; but it is extremely important to know about your behavioral traits which may end up saving your job, your relationships, and maybe your life!

Why Punishments Don’t Work (But What Works Better!)

Anyone with an ADHD child can relate to this story:

Last weekend, I took the kids (I’ll call them Mimi and Man Cub) to the local bookshop in town. It’s a nice place for a hot cocoa, where you can look at robot kits and roam around for awhile. It makes for a nice morning out. I told the kids that we’d just look around.  (dun dun duuuuun!)

But then my son saw a first aid kit that he just had to have. It had tweezers and band aids and a mini-scissors in a small red tin with a white cross on it. I quietly reminded him of what I’d said about not buying anything, but I could see it was futile. Anticipating his reaction, his sister and I began heading for the exit as he started yelling.

“It’s not fair!”

“This is the WORST!”

“I HATE YOU!”

These are the moments that are the most trying as a parent. They test your patience, they challenge your confidence, and they make you wonder if you’re possibly a total failure.

What kind of a kid hates their parent?!

Man Cub followed me into the street, screaming. He cried all the way to the car, and he stood outside the car for a few seconds, stomping his feet and repeating himself.

“It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

His sister and I sat waiting for him to get inside the car. People on the street stared at the scene. It was awful. 

Internally, I was stomping my own feet, screaming, “What’s not fair is that I can’t even go to thebookstore on a Saturday morning without having to take part in terrorist negotiations with aspoiled seven-year-old! Get in the effing car you brat!”

 Externally, I sat stony-faced.

ZERO REACTION.

I reminded his sister to do the same.

 After a minute, he got in the car. He continued grumbling and whining while I drove home, which was thankfully only a few minutes away. When we got home, I told him he had to go to his room.

 “After you chill out, we can talk about it.”

 He refused, which is typical. I told him that he could sit in the car alone until he was ready to go to his room (which is upstairs in the house), but he would not be allowed to be downstairs with us until he did as he was asked. His sister and I went in.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED AS A PSYCH NURSE:

My first job out of nursing school was at a psychiatric hospital.  I worked with an acute inpatient population, so I learned a lot about working with people in crisis.  A few things that I took away:

1. When people are really upset, they aren’t rational. This is not the time to lecture. You are wasting your time trying to teach a child a lesson or negotiate with them when they’re in a rage or in the middle of a crying jag.

2. An angry person is a force to be reckoned with. You will never convince someone not to be angry, and efforts to overpower them will make them far angrier.  Methods to physically restrain a child are only appropriate if they are  a real, physical danger to themselves or others.

3. To de-escalate, try removing the audience. People will calm down a lot quicker with no one to witness the drama because it’s both less embarrassing for them and it eliminates the positive feedback from the attention factor (if that is what they are after).

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After 10 minutes, Man Cub came in the house a bit calmer and said we could talk. Doubting this, I asked if he was ready to discuss what happened at the store and why it was a problem. This renewed his anger and he started yelling again. I walked him up to his room as he reminded me how awful I am.

–Deep breaths.-

I reminded myself that I always wanted to be a mother. I told him he needed to stay in his room for awhile until he could talk to me calmly and respectfully.

In our house, we have a rule.

We all have feelings and we can talk about our feelings openly, but we cannot scream at people or cry loudly downstairs in the living area. Our bedrooms are where we go if we are not in control. This goes for all of us, me included. So if I find myself losing my patience with the kids, I tell them that I need some time-out, and I go to my room. Sometimes parents need a time-out, too! This makes it less of a punishment and more of a reminder that we need to give ourselves time to calm down. It also creates boundaries.

The whole household should not be held hostage because of one person’s meltdown.3

Man Cub called down to me three times over the course of an hour and a half, and the first two times he lost his temper when he tried to talk. That was my cue to tell him that I’d be back soon. I said it calmly and rubbed his back. This was not a punishment. I was waiting to process this with him when he was ready. The third time, he was.

Man Cub: “This is hard, Mama.”

Me: “I know, Baby.”

Many people consider the job done when their child has regained control, but I think that what follows is the most important part. This is when we can actually learn something.  Both of us.

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Why ADHD Kids Have Meltdowns

Children with ADHD have a hard time sorting through their thoughts. The impulsivity that is a hallmark symptom  of ADHD means that they frequently act on their thoughts before they process them. Even afterward, it can be difficult for them to identify the feelings or put into words what was frustrating them, making problem-solving challenging.

Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, created a method called collaborative and proactive solutions, based on the idea “kids do well if they can.” This is the common-sense but almost revolutionary concept that children want to do well, get along, and be loved. They are social beings, and if they have the skills necessary, they do not choose to be unhappy, angry, and to disappoint their parents!

Dr. Greene asserts that challenging behaviors occur when the demands being placed on a child exceed his capacity to respond adaptively due to lagging skills.

This means that Man Cub would maintain control of his temper if he was able, but he lacks the skills to identify his frustrations and problem solve quickly, so he gets overwhelmed and has a meltdown instead.

Why Punishments Don’t Work

In Lost at School, Ross Green says, “Imposed, logical consequences don’t teach lagging skills or help kids solve problems any better than natural consequences do.” That’s why the answer isn’tarbitrarily-imposed consequences like restrictions or corporal punishment. The solution isn’t to impose dominance over your child.

The key is to recognize your child’s unique set of lagging skills and to develop these skills… because punishing him doesn’t teach him those skills!1

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When a child has a problematic behavior, you have three options with which to respond.

You can: A. force him to do what you want, B. work on a solution together, or C. ignore the behavior. There are times when each of these options may be appropriate. You may choose to force a child to comply when you tell them to quit playing in the road, or you may ignore a low-priority behavior for the sake of ‘choosing your battles.’

Dr. Greene’s method outlines a way to work through Option B. It is useful in a variety of situations, from processing meltdowns to working through other problem areas like homework conflicts or if you identify a particular behavior you want to address (lying, stealing, hitting, etc).

Let’s see plan B, the method for solving problems collaboratively, in action.

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Collaborative & Proactive Solutions

STEP ONE: EMPATHY STEP

Here we gather information about how the child sees the problem and show that we are invested in figuring it out together.

Me: “Hey Baby. I’m glad you’re calmer. Let’s talk about what happened earlier. You seemed really upset. Tell me what you were thinking and feeling at the store just before we had to leave.” (Be careful not to assume you know what the child was thinking or feeling, and don’t skip this step. Also, don’t use language that shames the child, because it makes them defensive.)

 Man Cub: “I wanted that first aid kit. I thought it would be really helpful if we were out hiking or something. I didn’t know why you wouldn’t just buy it for me. It wasn’t that much.”

Me: “Did you remember that I said we wouldn’t buy anything in the store?” 

Man Cub: “Yeah, but it seemed like a dumb rule and I just wanted it and I got really upset.”

STEP TWO: DEFINE THE PROBLEM

Identify the concern or problem.

Me: “How did it make you feel when you were outside and people noticed your tantrum?” (In this case, I wanted Man Cub to identify the problematic behavior  himself.)

Man Cub: “Embarrassed.”

Me: “When you were a baby, people expected you to act like that, but now that you’re seven, they expect you to act differently. How do you think they expect you to act?”

Man Cub: (groaning)  “They think I should be more grown up. I wish I didn’t act like that.” (He looked really sad now.)

Me: “Honey, I know you don’t want to act like that. I felt badly for you even when it was happening, even though I was angry. I knew you must be upset with yourself, too. I’m sorry.” (I gave him a hug.)

 STEP THREE: INVITATION STEP

Solving problems collaboratively and brainstorming ideas together.

Me: “I wonder how we can help you to feel more in control of yourself next time we’re in a situation like that so you don’t feel embarrassed when you lose it.”

 Man Cub: “I wish I didn’t see that stupid first aid kit!”

Me: “Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go to the bookstore if I knew I didn’t have money to spend. Or maybe I should have been clearer about why we couldn’t spend money today. It wasn’t just a rule I made up to be mean, Sweetie. I need to be careful with money right now because of my job change, and I’m trying to be responsible. Maybe if I explained that, you would have understood the rule more?”

Man Cub: “Maybe.” 

Me: “What about using the deep breathing and counting technique you learned with the therapist?”

Man Cub: “I always forget about that when I’m upset.”

Me: “Is there something that could help when you lose your cool, to remind you to try that? Like a secret signal? I could give you a code word!”

Man Cub: “That might work…”

Me: “How about ‘Check yo’ self?’”

Man Cub: (giggles) “I’ll try the breathing next time if you remind me.”

Me: “We can try that code word next time. And I’ll explain the rule better next time so you know it’s a firm rule with a good reason. If you feel better now, we can go down and make lunch now. Want some tuna?”

After that, Man Cub moved on with his day with a clean slate and the event was forgotten. The point was not to punish him, but to give him time to exercise self-soothing and calm down in private until he was ready process what happened, and then to work together on identifying what the problem was and how to avoid it in the future. The focus was on strengthening our relationship, not on asserting my dominance.

And I learned something, too, which was that next time, a better understanding of the reason for the rule would help him accept it. I don’t ascribe to the notion that children should always go along “because I said so.” I think children learn so much by asking the reasons for things, and I’m not above explaining why so they can understand how the world works.

Note that I still held firm to the expectation that I set. I did not give in and buy him anything when he begged at the store, and I did not go back later and get it, either. I stood by my rule, but I was kind and reasonable in discussing it and problem-solving with him once he was able to do so calmly and respectfully. I also modeled respectful behavior by maintaining my cool during and after his meltdown.

I encourage you to give collaborative and proactive solutions withyour child.

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Dr Greene’s book The Explosive Child is a very thorough resource on the subject, providing “specific, practical ways [parents] can recognize the signs of an impending explosion, defuse tension, and reduce frustration levels for the entire family.”

Dr. Greene’s nonprofit, Lives in the Balance, has a website with a lot of resources, including aone-page overview of this method. There is also information on identifying lagging skills and unsolved problems through use of an instrument called the Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP), and a guide for using the assessment can be found here.

A Plan B Cheatsheet can also be found on the site, outlining in more detail the steps of the collaborative problem-solving method I outlined in this post.

Books by Dr. Ross Greene

(Get Two Free Audiobooks with Audible)

Lost and Found: Helping Behaviorally Challenging Students (and, While You’re At It, All the Others)

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them

For further reading, check out my Recommended Books page. In particular,  Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn.

Disclosure: Some of the links in the post above are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive a small commission that helps support the site. I only link to products or services that I use or am very familiar with and that I would personally recommend to my readers. Read my full disclosure policy here.

Works Cited

“Anger Management.” Anger Management. Web. 24 Apr. 2015. http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/Parents-Caregivers-of-Children-with-ADHD/Behavior-and-Social-Skills/Anger-Management.aspx

Greene, Ross W. Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges Are Falling through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them. New York: Scribner, 2008. Print.

Photo: libertygrace0 (image altered)

About Carolyn

I'm Carolyn Mallon, RN, and I have ADHD. I'm also parenting at least one ADHD child, so it makes for quite an adventure! I don't have all the answers, but I certainly share the challenges of many ADHD parents! I started this blog as an exercise to help us improve our game at home and at school. Join us! Posted by Carolyn